The first loss.

Well where to start in July 2007, I had been with my then boyfriend (now husband) for 6 months. Our romance had been a whirlwind, we had met in the December 2006 had our first date in the January and I knew I was going to marry him by the February. He was the one I had been waiting my whole life for. We moved in in the May and life was going well.

On a Sunday morning in that July I woke up early. The house we were living in at the time had a downstairs toilet as I sleepily descended the stairs, I slipped. Now this is not uncommon, I am possibly the worlds most clumsiest person I have been known to trip over flat floors!! It is a standing joke with some friends that they can be talking to me walking along the street and will suddenly turn around and I will be flat on the floor a few yards back with some poor stranger trying to help me up. In my sleepy state I had not been paying attention properly and I promptly found myself at the bottom of the stairs excruciating pain in my toe which had smashed into the bookshelf we had stored at the bottom of the stairs. Due to the force which I hit the bookshelf it had toppled over on top of me and I was now pinned to the stairs shouting to my boyfriend who quickly ran to my aid.

Bookcase removed and a little giggle (by him) of how clumsy I was and I continued (now hobbling on my painful toe) to the bathroom. The second I sat down I could feel myself start to faint. Next thing I was aware of I was lying on the floor and could feel my body convulsing. As I came to I could feel the sting of my cheek where during the fit I had rubbed it along the carpet. My all day all night contact lenses had fallen out of my eyes and were now lying on the floor. I had never had a fit in my life and I was frankly terrified. My partner now realising the seriousness of the situation threw me in the car and ran me to hospital. As we went through the usual drill of  questions including are you pregnant? I remember at the time explaining I was on the pill. Pregnancy was not an option. A few more tests and it was explained that I had broken my toe. Apparently when you break something when your body is still asleep your body can have a fit. It was not common but, nothing to be worried about. I was otherwise in good health and went home.

Three days later I woke up early to the start of what I thought was my period. I was home alone, my partner having already left for work. Within a few minutes I knew something was seriously wrong. I had always suffered with heavy periods but, I was going through a super size tampon in minutes. The hospital was a few minutes from our house I put a swift call into a female colleague and my mother and went to the hospital. It sounds strange looking back but, I wasn’t concerned. I am not someone who panics a lot. I wasn’t fainting or in excruciating pain (that came later). To be honest I was more worried about how I was going to walk there on my toe. Looking back this day was the start of hell for me but, my only concern was checking myself out before going on to work.

Its funny but the one thing I remember most about that day was how the nurse told me so matter of factly. “Basically you were pregnant now you’re not” I remember protesting that I was on the pill. She advised that the pill wasn’t 100% effective. There was nothing to be done the pregnancy was coming away and I should book an appointment with my GP for when the bleeding had stopped to check it had all gone away. I was then swiftly sent on my way. I often wonder if that nurse remembers me, probably not, miscarriages are common she has probably seen  many before and many since. I left the hospital changed forever. Children weren’t something I had ever really considered. I always assumed I would have them but, they were not something I was thinking of right now.I took the rest of the day off work and went in the next morning to be sent swiftly home again. My manager informed me I was in shock, she didn’t want to see me for at least the rest of the week. I went home and just sat there. When my partner came home he was shocked to say the least but, more concerned for my welfare.

Over the next few days I didn’t move from the sofa I just sat there and cried. I felt so guilty. I felt guilty for falling down the stairs, guilty for being so clumsy. However, more than anything I felt guilty for being upset. I hadn’t wanted a baby, we hadn’t been trying, what right did I have to be so devastated. I goggled miscarriage stories for hours.

On the Saturday my partner fell apart, I remembering him crying for the baby we had lost, the child we would never know. Friends and family were aware. Everyone kept saying “at least you know you can get pregnant”. All I knew was that my body was desperate to be pregnant again. From my first loss onwards my body was broody like I never knew I could be. The only way to describe it is how I would imagine a heroin addict craves heroin, a smoker craves a cigarette. From that day I have always felt like part of me is missing. That I can never be truly happy until my baby is in my arms.

We discussed trying for another baby, but, my partner wasn’t ready. We had only been together 6 months living together for 2. I had just landed an amazing job opportunity. We spent a few more months on the pill but the following year I had the contraceptive implant put in. I could no longer trust myself on the pill. I would stay on this until April 2010. When we both had been extremely broody for sometime, 5 months before our wedding but, neither of us could wait any longer. On April 30th 2010, the journey to start our family recommenced.


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