Posts tagged miscarriage

God will never give you more than you can handle!

I have just had my fifth miscarriage last week and have been told this so many times. It was also part of a friends facebook status last week and got me thinking. Prior to my infertility journey I would never really have described myself as religious. I believed in some kind of higher power yes although I wasn’t sure it was God it was just something in the back of my mind, somewhere I went to when I needed help. However, the way infertility and recurrent miscarriage have rocked my faith are one of the things I have found most difficult to handle.

It all started last year, now the non-believers amongst us please bear with me if this hadn’t happened to me I wouldn’t believe it either.

Just after my second miscarriage I went on a family holiday whilst there my husband and I found a beautiful little church. Whenever I go to church I like to light a candle for the babies I have lost. We found this church the day after I have ovulated and as I lit the candle I was praying to God to please send me home the baby I got to keep, the one I got to take home forever.  The next thing I knew I felt such warmth and such love that I had never felt before and I knew I was pregnant again and I knew it was a boy.

I immediately told my husband who is not at all religious and frankly thought I was insane. On returning from holiday I told my mother who joked that I was having the second Messiah. They all honestly thought that I had lost my mind. However, I knew this was my baby. I had flu the next week but, refused to take anything as I knew I was pregnant. Sure enough on the day my period was due I took a test, positive. There are no words to describe my happiness, two days later I took another test even darker line. I worked out my due date and started planning. We told my parents, everything was just as I asked for. Three days later I started feeling pain, by the next day I sat in work in agony. We went to the hospital that evening I knew it was a bad sign as soon as we walked in. The doctor was the same guy we had seen the year  before when I had been in severe pain who had told me there was nothing wrong with me. (A week later we have gone to another hospital who had sent me for a scan and ended up removing my right fallopian tube which was lucky not to have burst). The second I saw this doctor I knew it was game over. He did a test it came back negative. I remember my husband begging him to do blood tests, a scan anything. We had both read after my tube removal that one of the signs of an ectopic pregnancy was a positive pregnancy test turning negative and we were terrified for my left tube. The doctor said that was not a sign of an ectopic pregnancy and basically implied I was imagining it. My husband offered to go home and get the two positive pregnancy tests but, he didn’t care. He simply told us to go and see my GP.

The next day the blood started to come and I knew it was over. How I got through the next 6 months I will never know. They were the darkest days of my life. I had been off work shortly before with flu and had to get up and go into work like nothing was wrong. On the night of my appointment with my doctor my car broke down and I missed the appointment. I never rearranged. I knew the stats one miscarriage was common, two less so, 3 in a row something was wrong.

One of the things I found hardest to deal with was the loss of faith. I knew there was a God, I also knew he was cruel. I prayed simply for some contact to know I wasn’t alone. I got nothing, I felt nothing. I have always found churches calming and peaceful now if in one I feel panicked and have to force myself not to run out the door.

Shortly, after one of my closest friends told me she was pregnant and due the same day as I would have been. It was a double whammy, not only would I not get to take my baby home, but, I had a constant reminder for the rest of my life of what I was missing. On her 12 and 20 weeks scans I just cried. I was thrilled for her but, the pain was unbearable. Then another couple I knew found out they were expecting two months to the day mine was due. They had been trying to get pregnant but, she had now changed her mind and discussed an abortion. In the end she didn’t have it but, it was like God hadn’t hurt me bad enough he had to pour salt in the wound.

I had counselling and it finally got me to the stage where I could start to live again, however, I do believe that God gave me more than I could handle. I know people would argue you are stronger because of what you have been through. However, I am not stronger I am harder that is a different and not so positive thing. Proof of this is my fifth miscarriage I haven’t cried, I just feel numb. I look at my husband and know he feels the same. I was watching the Soccer Aid Charity Event last week on TV and watching children living on the street I was sobbing, however, they showed a clip of a baby dying and again nothing just numbness. I remember seeing a similar clip on charity events a few years ago and crying for ages afterwards. It appears my body has gone into protection mode and anything to do with babies dying just shuts down, which makes me even more ashamed.

Do I believe there is a God yes, is he kind and loving like everyone says. To be honest I don’t know. I look at the blessings in my life and part of me says yes. I prayed years ago to find the perfect man and have one moment when I knew he was the right man for me. I got it. Recently I prayed for a sign as to which path to take, the next day a complete stranger told me about the Foresight Charity.

I don’t know if God is good or bad, but this I do know. God gives us blessings but, he also give us the pain. Do we handle it yes because there is no option but to. Is this him giving us no more than we can handle by almost breaking us but the fact we survive in spite of it means he didn’t give us too much??? As sayings go I guess this is one I find most difficult, I think a better one for me would be God works in mysterious ways.

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What happens when dreams don’t come true?

I have always been a dreamer! My entire life I have always loved to read and if you had asked what books I enjoy I would have told you anything, I just love the way a book can take you to another place. However, I have recently joined a book club and after a few books I have hated (Perfume) I have come to realise   that is not in fact true.

I love books where dreams come true. My favourite story as a little girl was The Velveteen Rabbit, as I grew older I loved all things Disney: Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, Toy Story and when I hit my twenties it was Harry Potter. What do all these books have in common? that love can make magic. Whether it is a rabbit becoming real or a mermaid getting her legs. I love the idea that if you want something enough it will happen.

This belief that dreams do come true has always served me well. I met my knight in shining armour and married him.

However, what happens when dreams might not come true. This realisation hit me last night, (hence why I am writing at 3am and can’t sleep) I am off to the Doctors tomorrow with more unexplained bleeding. My mother and grandmother both had a hysterectomy in their early thirties due to cervical cancer. They had both had children in their early twenties. I am 30 in two months and my first miscarriage was aged 25. The problem is even after all the pain, tears and hell of the last 5 years. I still do not believe that my baby will not actually happen. The idea that love will not result in magic is so alien to me that the alternative seems less likely despite being more realistic.

This really hit home to me when after a long conversation with my mother who was nagging me to return to the doctors again (I have been avoiding it after one mistake after another by the NHS) she said your 30 soon, your time maybe running out. Did I after these words go running to a bottle of wine like most other 29 year old women? No, (I didn’t have any in the house) my first instinct was to put on a Harry Potter DVD and go off to Hogwarts. When that wasn’t having the desired effect then the kindle came out. The magic in stories soothes my soul, but, the thing now nagging at the back of my mind. What if it doesn’t happen?

I have had dark points with all my miscarriages, where I didn’t think it would. However, I am not sure how I would cope if it actually didn’t. I know amazingly brave women who have somehow seemed to cope with not being able to have children and are leading happy lives, but, I know that wouldn’t be me. I see women in daily life who don’t deserve the children they have, I know couples whose only reason for having children is so that they can stay on benefits and not work. I see woman in the street whose children are dirty and screamed at for being children. I read in the newspapers and see on the news women whose have abused their children. The child in me still believes that it is not possible that those women get their babies and I won’t get mine. However, I know the world doesn’t work like that. I have seen the tears of women I know when they find out it won’t happen for them, heard the pain in their voices. I have seen the way people look at me when they hear I have had another miscarriage. The way people now no longer talk about when we will have children, to be honest even my husband and I now say if we have children.

I am old and wise enough now to know that dreams don’t always come true. However, the problems is deep down inside I can’t possibly believe that mine won’t.

People may think that’s naive and to be honest it probably is, but, then whats the point in life without a little magic??

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