Posts tagged Grief

God will never give you more than you can handle!

I have just had my fifth miscarriage last week and have been told this so many times. It was also part of a friends facebook status last week and got me thinking. Prior to my infertility journey I would never really have described myself as religious. I believed in some kind of higher power yes although I wasn’t sure it was God it was just something in the back of my mind, somewhere I went to when I needed help. However, the way infertility and recurrent miscarriage have rocked my faith are one of the things I have found most difficult to handle.

It all started last year, now the non-believers amongst us please bear with me if this hadn’t happened to me I wouldn’t believe it either.

Just after my second miscarriage I went on a family holiday whilst there my husband and I found a beautiful little church. Whenever I go to church I like to light a candle for the babies I have lost. We found this church the day after I have ovulated and as I lit the candle I was praying to God to please send me home the baby I got to keep, the one I got to take home forever.  The next thing I knew I felt such warmth and such love that I had never felt before and I knew I was pregnant again and I knew it was a boy.

I immediately told my husband who is not at all religious and frankly thought I was insane. On returning from holiday I told my mother who joked that I was having the second Messiah. They all honestly thought that I had lost my mind. However, I knew this was my baby. I had flu the next week but, refused to take anything as I knew I was pregnant. Sure enough on the day my period was due I took a test, positive. There are no words to describe my happiness, two days later I took another test even darker line. I worked out my due date and started planning. We told my parents, everything was just as I asked for. Three days later I started feeling pain, by the next day I sat in work in agony. We went to the hospital that evening I knew it was a bad sign as soon as we walked in. The doctor was the same guy we had seen the year  before when I had been in severe pain who had told me there was nothing wrong with me. (A week later we have gone to another hospital who had sent me for a scan and ended up removing my right fallopian tube which was lucky not to have burst). The second I saw this doctor I knew it was game over. He did a test it came back negative. I remember my husband begging him to do blood tests, a scan anything. We had both read after my tube removal that one of the signs of an ectopic pregnancy was a positive pregnancy test turning negative and we were terrified for my left tube. The doctor said that was not a sign of an ectopic pregnancy and basically implied I was imagining it. My husband offered to go home and get the two positive pregnancy tests but, he didn’t care. He simply told us to go and see my GP.

The next day the blood started to come and I knew it was over. How I got through the next 6 months I will never know. They were the darkest days of my life. I had been off work shortly before with flu and had to get up and go into work like nothing was wrong. On the night of my appointment with my doctor my car broke down and I missed the appointment. I never rearranged. I knew the stats one miscarriage was common, two less so, 3 in a row something was wrong.

One of the things I found hardest to deal with was the loss of faith. I knew there was a God, I also knew he was cruel. I prayed simply for some contact to know I wasn’t alone. I got nothing, I felt nothing. I have always found churches calming and peaceful now if in one I feel panicked and have to force myself not to run out the door.

Shortly, after one of my closest friends told me she was pregnant and due the same day as I would have been. It was a double whammy, not only would I not get to take my baby home, but, I had a constant reminder for the rest of my life of what I was missing. On her 12 and 20 weeks scans I just cried. I was thrilled for her but, the pain was unbearable. Then another couple I knew found out they were expecting two months to the day mine was due. They had been trying to get pregnant but, she had now changed her mind and discussed an abortion. In the end she didn’t have it but, it was like God hadn’t hurt me bad enough he had to pour salt in the wound.

I had counselling and it finally got me to the stage where I could start to live again, however, I do believe that God gave me more than I could handle. I know people would argue you are stronger because of what you have been through. However, I am not stronger I am harder that is a different and not so positive thing. Proof of this is my fifth miscarriage I haven’t cried, I just feel numb. I look at my husband and know he feels the same. I was watching the Soccer Aid Charity Event last week on TV and watching children living on the street I was sobbing, however, they showed a clip of a baby dying and again nothing just numbness. I remember seeing a similar clip on charity events a few years ago and crying for ages afterwards. It appears my body has gone into protection mode and anything to do with babies dying just shuts down, which makes me even more ashamed.

Do I believe there is a God yes, is he kind and loving like everyone says. To be honest I don’t know. I look at the blessings in my life and part of me says yes. I prayed years ago to find the perfect man and have one moment when I knew he was the right man for me. I got it. Recently I prayed for a sign as to which path to take, the next day a complete stranger told me about the Foresight Charity.

I don’t know if God is good or bad, but this I do know. God gives us blessings but, he also give us the pain. Do we handle it yes because there is no option but to. Is this him giving us no more than we can handle by almost breaking us but the fact we survive in spite of it means he didn’t give us too much??? As sayings go I guess this is one I find most difficult, I think a better one for me would be God works in mysterious ways.

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