Posts tagged dreams

What happens when dreams don’t come true?

I have always been a dreamer! My entire life I have always loved to read and if you had asked what books I enjoy I would have told you anything, I just love the way a book can take you to another place. However, I have recently joined a book club and after a few books I have hated (Perfume) I have come to realise   that is not in fact true.

I love books where dreams come true. My favourite story as a little girl was The Velveteen Rabbit, as I grew older I loved all things Disney: Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, Toy Story and when I hit my twenties it was Harry Potter. What do all these books have in common? that love can make magic. Whether it is a rabbit becoming real or a mermaid getting her legs. I love the idea that if you want something enough it will happen.

This belief that dreams do come true has always served me well. I met my knight in shining armour and married him.

However, what happens when dreams might not come true. This realisation hit me last night, (hence why I am writing at 3am and can’t sleep) I am off to the Doctors tomorrow with more unexplained bleeding. My mother and grandmother both had a hysterectomy in their early thirties due to cervical cancer. They had both had children in their early twenties. I am 30 in two months and my first miscarriage was aged 25. The problem is even after all the pain, tears and hell of the last 5 years. I still do not believe that my baby will not actually happen. The idea that love will not result in magic is so alien to me that the alternative seems less likely despite being more realistic.

This really hit home to me when after a long conversation with my mother who was nagging me to return to the doctors again (I have been avoiding it after one mistake after another by the NHS) she said your 30 soon, your time maybe running out. Did I after these words go running to a bottle of wine like most other 29 year old women? No, (I didn’t have any in the house) my first instinct was to put on a Harry Potter DVD and go off to Hogwarts. When that wasn’t having the desired effect then the kindle came out. The magic in stories soothes my soul, but, the thing now nagging at the back of my mind. What if it doesn’t happen?

I have had dark points with all my miscarriages, where I didn’t think it would. However, I am not sure how I would cope if it actually didn’t. I know amazingly brave women who have somehow seemed to cope with not being able to have children and are leading happy lives, but, I know that wouldn’t be me. I see women in daily life who don’t deserve the children they have, I know couples whose only reason for having children is so that they can stay on benefits and not work. I see woman in the street whose children are dirty and screamed at for being children. I read in the newspapers and see on the news women whose have abused their children. The child in me still believes that it is not possible that those women get their babies and I won’t get mine. However, I know the world doesn’t work like that. I have seen the tears of women I know when they find out it won’t happen for them, heard the pain in their voices. I have seen the way people look at me when they hear I have had another miscarriage. The way people now no longer talk about when we will have children, to be honest even my husband and I now say if we have children.

I am old and wise enough now to know that dreams don’t always come true. However, the problems is deep down inside I can’t possibly believe that mine won’t.

People may think that’s naive and to be honest it probably is, but, then whats the point in life without a little magic??


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